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Today Marks 30 Years Since My Mother Died.

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My parents at my first wedding.

It seems like yesterday and yet it seems like a hundred years ago that my mother died.

I did not have a real close relationship with my mother.  She never expressed any love or affection to me.  I was never hugged.  I was never told that I was loved.  She criticized me for everything I did.  If I came home with straight A’s on my report card it was not acknowledged.  But let me get a bad grade and I was berated.

My mother had two daughters by a previous marriage and she always hugged and kissed them and anything they did was always praised.  I never understood why I was not shown the same attention.  Of course later on after she passed I understood things more.

My mother was physically very ill for the last 15 years of her life and she had expressed that she did not want to live long and have to be taken care of.  I certainly understand that thought having been bedridden 27 years and paying people to take care of me.

The day that she died I knew that leaving this physical world was better for her.  She had such a miserable life and had suffered so much over the years that I felt it was a true release for her.  I still took time to say goodbye to her in my own special way.

I had held resentment inside of me for many years towards my mother over the lack of love that I did not receive.  It had set me up to make many bad choices in my life because of desperately wanting to be loved and accepted.

I spent time over several years analyzing my mother’s life carefully and there came a moment where I had a clear vision of my mother at the age of 13 and what a horrific experience she had as a young girl.  She lived in the backwoods of Tennessee and had no connection to the world outside of Tennessee.  Her parents were drunks and had six children and never really took care of them.  When my mother was 13 they married her off to a man of 26 years old.  In meditation I saw my mother at the hands of this man being brutally raped and not understanding anything about sex and marriage.  That was the moment that I had my breakthrough and was able to totally forgive her.

I realized that she gave so much attention to her daughters because they did not have a father.  The man she married was an alcoholic and abusive to her and the children.  I had a good father and she felt that was enough.  She never really understood my father or me as we were quite different from her.

From the moment I had that revelation I was able to forgive and heal everything I had felt about my mother.  I think of her now with great love and affection and wish I could go back in time and express this to her.  I know that her spirit hears me and sees me.  She has visited me since her passing and I feel that both of us have had a healing.

I share this story not only to tell about my relationship, but to help people understand how important forgiveness is, whether the person is around you or not.  Forgiveness heals you!

I thank you Mama for all that you did for me and I look forward to the day that we meet again face to face.

With love from your daughter,
Billie

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